The past is the past. Don’t cry over spilled milk. Put it behind you. Get over it already.”
We all have voices within ourselves that say these kinds of things. It’s usually after some event or interaction has left us angry, lonely, or hurt. These messages come from parts within ourselves that want to protect us. Saying these things calms us down and prevents us from “getting triggered,” feeling and reacting from the “emotional baggage” of our old painful experiences and self-limiting beliefs.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a style of therapy that calls these different voices parts. The language of “parts” may sound strange at first. However, we often speak this way quite naturally. For example, we can say, “a part of me wants to go out tonight, but another part of me wants to stay home and relax.” With IFS we use this language to know and appreciate the different parts that make up our being. This helps us recognize those parts that may have been left with old “emotional baggage.” The good news is that these parts can be relieved of their burdens allowing us to live fuller and richer lives. IFS therapy uses compassionate self-talk to facilitate this process…
When a significant loss or humiliating or traumatic event occurs, the natural healing process includes tears, sadness, trembling, fear, anger, and other normal responses. With compassionate and responsive support, the expression of these feelings, and the passage of time, the wound can heal and we regain the emotional energy to invest in our daily lives.
If, for some reason, the natural healing process is blocked, we have parts of ourselves that are holding on to our emotional pain and are exiled to the depths of our being. Then other parts protect us from ever feeling the pain of exile again. According to IFS, there are two different types of protectors: directors and firefighters. The directors prevent us from feeling the pain that our exiles keep. They manage our emotional barometer and keep us functioning relatively stable throughout our daily lives. Some common types of managers are the self-critical, the hard-working, the nurturing, and the people-pleaser. These parts prevent us from feeling our own deepest emotional pain by focusing our attention on pleasing others or criticizing ourselves, for example. Firefighters “put out the fire” when the exile’s pain is unleashed. These are the parts of us that cause a great distraction away from our exiled pain. They get angry, self-harm, or are prone to addictive or impulsive behaviors. Firefighter behavior is what we do when we completely lose it. Firefighters protect us when the preventive measures of managers have not done so. Unfortunately, this protection comes at the price of feeling out of control and bringing suffering to those closest and dearest to us.
This may sound a bit chaotic and overwhelming. There is hope. There is a way to help relieve, or unload, the pain these parts have been experiencing for so long. Each party may have some idea of what they would really rather be doing anyway, perhaps some gift or talent they gave up when they were forced into exile, or some protective duty.
What allows this release is the presence of what IFS calls the innate Being, that which is not a part. In therapy sessions, clients are guided to access the natural state of being, which is inherently compassionate, curious, calm, connected, creative, courageous, confident, and clear-thinking. It is from this state of being that the gentle and transformative work of downloading takes place. The goal of therapy is to restore Self-leadership between all parties. The analogy of a conductor and her symphony illustrates this point. In making beautiful music, each musician is valued and appreciated and works collaboratively with the other musicians to play their best under the guidance and leadership of the director. In a self-directed life, every part of us is free from its heavy burden and no longer has to protect us by taking charge and running the show. The parts can relax and work symphonically together with the compassionate leadership of the Self. This is the gift of IFS therapy.
IFS therapy was developed more than 20 years ago by Richard Schwartz, Ph. D. Since its inception, people who have used IFS have reported profound changes in feelings and beliefs that previously plagued them. They find that as they become more confident and compassionate, they find greater harmony not only within themselves but also with their partners, family, coworkers, and community.
The past is the past. We cannot change the painful things we have endured. However, we can rescue the parts of ourselves that have been stuck living in the past and left with our emotional baggage. We can heal these parts of ourselves, unburden them of the pain they have been holding, and then truly go on to live our lives openly, fully, and however we choose.
