How do people survive the horrible losses that occur every day of the year? What is the difference between those who finally accept their great loss and try to move on in life and those who live in the past? How can one find any meaning at all, when their view of life and reality itself has been completely shattered?
In my own family, I have a daughter who died of sudden infant death syndrome, a brother from prostate cancer, and a younger sister from anorexia nervosa. How do we deal with bread, and the question why? Like millions before us, we essentially rely on beliefs and attitudes towards life, and some new ones that arose from the struggle to understand and find meaning. From this flow all coping strategies to relieve pain.
Over the past twenty-five years, I have also been with many bereaved people, as a counselor and friend, and watched as they struggled to adjust to life without their loved ones. Many were dealing with unexpected deaths of all kinds, including suicide.
How were beliefs and attitudes transferred to actually deal with pain and change? What do all the possible known coping responses boil down to? Simply this: what you choose to think (believe) determines how you behave in the face of loss. So the most reliable coping response you can develop is: the ability to choose thoughts that help you physically and emotionally. The keywords are: choice of thoughts.
Attitude is behind all achievement, even overcoming our great losses. This does not mean that the tumultuous feelings of emptiness, helplessness, hopelessness, deep sadness, abandonment or fear will magically disappear, if you choose to take control. But it will ensure that all unnecessary suffering is eliminated throughout your journey to healing.
You’ve probably heard it a million times, but it’s true for problem solving: attitude is everything; it affects every cell in your body and its disposition at any given time (this is something to carefully dwell on). The difficulty with the attitude cliché is that it is so often repeated and so unscientific that we dismiss it as irrelevant. Then we forget about it: a very damaging blow.
However, thoughts determine feelings and actions. I’ve seen it happen often with mourners: when the mourner thinks differently about losing him and what he should do, the course of grief moves toward healing. But it is not an easy job.
What thoughts seem to help? Here are four examples: (1) Loss and change are inevitable and universal (I am not being punished). (2) Life is unfair sometimes. (3) Healing depends on me. (4) A Zen proverb: “Jump and the net will appear.” Of course, there are many others. The point is: we add to our pain or help ourselves, one thought at a time.
What thoughts often need to be dumped? Here are two big ones. First, change your mindset from “Why did this happen?” to “What can I do?” And second, “I will never be happy again” to “I will learn to live with this loss.” Then become aware of your harmful thoughts and commit to changing them. Start with the one thought that causes you the most pain. It will lift you to a higher level of consciousness.
The earlier in life we learn that thoughts are directly related to physical feelings and ultimately how we deal with all that life has to offer, the better equipped we are to deal with inevitable change. Once again, there is no immunity against pain. Everyone has to face it.
Knowing that you control the pain and can think of solutions and directions for moving forward is the most powerful response you can muster. The key is to realize that you can only heal through your efforts, changing your thoughts first.
Now here is the kicker. Social scientists tell us that we can learn to be more optimistic (renowned psychiatrist Viktor Frankl called it “tragic optimism”) by repeatedly training ourselves to deal with negativity, suffering, and massive change.
Find the right affirmations (thoughts) that fit us and keep them in our minds. Combine this with acting as we wish to be. Actions change attitudes. Let the grievance do its number on you; let it transform you. All of this is hard work, but you can do it. And there is a good reason to do so, as losses and changes keep coming and coming over time.
Force yourself to try to change the way you think about your loss. Let the change transform you. Stay with it. Get together with other people who have strong points of view. Avoid toxic thinkers, especially when you are in mourning.
I’m sure you’re thinking that all of the above is too simple to be useful. Sounds. But it takes a lot of commitment to choose thoughts for your emotional and physical stability, and the courage to get back up after a bad day. In the long run, the results will surprise you. You will achieve a healthier adjustment to the loss and manage the pain, because everything begins and ends with what you choose to think.
