A marriage with a narcissist can be a miserable and bewildering experience. Due to the wiring of someone affected by malignant narcissism, their narcissistic spouse commits very harmful acts, leaving them confused, in pain, and often questioning their own sanity. Lacking empathy, a willingness to use others to get ahead, a grandiose sense of self-worth and exaggerated achievement, an attitude of entitlement and haughtiness, a requirement for extreme levels of admiration, idealized fantasies about ideal love, beauty, or power, and jealousy of the success of others, the narcissist wants what he wants and does not seem to care what must be done to get it. Divorcing a narcissist is never easy, but walking away from such a destructive relationship is important and achievable. Here are 4 steps to successfully escaping a marriage with a narcissist:
1. Cover your legal bases. Get a good lawyer who understands narcissism. This is very important. You cannot reason with a narcissist in the same way that you can reason with a normal person, and your attorney needs to understand this. Find out how to better protect yourself and your children. If you’re concerned that your partner is a potential danger to your children (and narcissists certainly can be), request a custody evaluation immediately, as it can take several months to complete.
2. Address your financial situation early. Get a credit card in your name, while your credit is still combined with your spouse’s. Open your own bank account and get some emergency cash reserves. While it may not be legal for your spouse to freeze marital assets, don’t forget the narcissist. While his lawyers go before a judge to force his spouse to comply with a court order, he must make sure he has some money to live on. If you are concerned that your spouse knows that he is saving the emergency fund, using a debit card and requesting cash back wherever he makes purchases. Then put this money in your account. Be sure to disclose this money once the divorce is pending so you don’t violate any laws or court orders.
3. Create a paper record. Make copies of all financial records. This includes tax returns, pay stubs, W-2s, investment documents, loan information, insurance policies, frequent flyer mileage reports, 401K statements, bank statements, and the like. Your attorney can tell you what information will be required to assess your financial situation. Have a copy of your marriage license. Also, keep your and your children’s passports, social security cards, and other official documents in a secret place for safekeeping. Remove your sentimental personal items from your home. Ideally, give them to someone you trust to keep them. Document everything. Times, dates, places of your partner’s illegal, immoral, or harmful behavior. This can be helpful for your attorney, as well as a custody evaluator, if you have one.
4. DO NOT listen to messages from your narcissistic spouse. Ideally, you should not have contact. If this is not possible, remember that what the narcissist says is selfish and quite possibly a lie. You can even choose to adopt a nonsensical sound that you play in his head, such as “lalalala” when his partner talks to you. Spend time with trusted friends and family, and/or a counselor, who will help you maintain a correct perspective of yourself. Listening to the narcissist and accepting that person’s criticism or reasoning will distort the way you think about yourself and the situation. The narcissist wants whatever response he can get from you. He plays interactions with a poker face and don’t let your narcissistic spouse know what you want because they will most likely use it against you.
