Many wives who contact me are extremely confused about their husband’s behavior during or after their affair. Many do not understand how her husband can have any kind of expectation of her wife when he has thrown away that privilege because of her betrayal. An example of what I’m talking about is a cheating husband who suddenly becomes possessive of his wife.
This is a typical scenario. A wife might say, “It’s been five weeks since I found out about my husband’s affair. Currently, my husband is home during the week because his job is away from his brother’s house. But on weekends, he stay with your brother.” because I’m so mad at him that I don’t necessarily want him here. We hardly talk during the week. Lately, I’ve been trying to hang out with friends on the weekends. I feel lonely being here alone. Last weekend, I was out with coworkers. There were some men there, but she wasn’t looking for any romantic encounters. My husband called me while he was out and overheard some of the men talking in the background. He got very angry. . He said that ‘his wife’ of him should not be seen dating other men. That infuriated me. He’s obviously been seeing another woman. And he was cheating and I wasn’t. What a double standard. I told him that. he had no rights over me. He told me that I am still his wife and that it is not appropriate for me to be like this. I repeated that there was nothing romantic about my exit. I stopped discussing this with him because I just didn’t see the point. But here’s what I don’t understand: why would a cheating husband think his wife belongs to him when he gave up any claim when he cheated? I just can’t understand that thought process.”
Well, no one can read your husband’s mind, but I can certainly give you some theories. I hear from many husbands who have been caught cheating. I think her husband may be well aware that he doesn’t necessarily have the right to question who her friends are or who she’s dating.
It may be wishful thinking on your part: It is possible that your husband is just operating with illusions. She may wish she had that right and may be hoping it won’t be questioned. Ideally, she can expect you to be able to reconcile, and therefore she doesn’t want you to be in a relationship with someone else before the two of you can figure things out.
He may be worried about her cheating to get back at him.: Honestly, many people who have been unfaithful become very paranoid about their spouse “revenge cheating” on them as a form of revenge. Deep down, they know they almost deserved it, so they’re always on the lookout. Your husband may not really believe that he has the right to tell you what to do or who to see, but it could be that he hopes he won’t allow more damage to your marriage before you can try to fix it.
I’m not trying to defend your husband. And I know you probably have no intention of getting romantically involved with anyone else right now or “revenge cheating.” But he’s right that you’re still married and that even the appearance of being involved with someone else can cause a lot of trouble in an already difficult situation.
setting the record straight: There is nothing wrong with opening a discussion about this before things get worse and before there are additional misunderstandings. You might try: “I’m listening to what you’re saying, but I think you have some perceptions that aren’t accurate. I hang out with friends of both sexes so I’m not sitting in an empty house. These are platonic co-workers: although I don’t need to defend myself to you because this it’s totally innocent. There’s nothing romantic about this. You don’t need to worry about it. And by making this a big problem, there’s the potential to create problems where none exist. We’ve got a lot of problems we’re juggling with. We don’t need to create more I am offering you reassurance that I am not doing anything wrong. Please do not keep trying to make me feel like I am. I am not the one who cheated and I have no intention of cheating in the future. I think the best place to put our attention is on our own relationship, and not on my relationship with my platonic co-workers.”
Hopefully, these words will calm him down and he will give up the claims and possessive behavior. But it is possible that he is operating under fear. He is trying to attract you because he is afraid of losing you. Deep down, he knows that his actions have put his marriage at risk. So, he is possibly trying to get you closer to prevent more damage from happening. What he doesn’t realize (and hopefully he’ll come to understand) is that being possessive doesn’t really endear him to you and just creates misunderstandings.
