You will not realize that you are dating a narcissist. Narcissists are extremely skilled at getting you to like them. They can be alluring, charming and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their pleasing appearance. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over, unfortunately sometimes to the altar.
Narcissists are never boring. They are often physically attractive, charismatic, and sexually attractive. We are drawn to their intelligence, entertaining personality, special talents, or professional success.
dating like a game
Although some narcissists seek long-term relationships, others are game experts. For them, “the hunt is better than the catch.” Your goal is to receive admiration and satisfy your sexual needs with little emotional investment. Relationships are considered transactions and work for them as long as they get their narcissistic supply. The closer you get, the more they are wrong. They want their options open with multiple sources to meet endless supply needs. They consult other prospects and flirt right in front of you!
Although narcissists lack empathy, they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. This enhances their experience as handlers. They are experts at deception to achieve their goals, sometimes knowingly, but other times, it’s just their flair. They may even believe that they are being sincere. Although they are actually self-centered and emotionally unavailable, they can initially be generous and good listeners. They may even appear vulnerable by sharing personal and intimate information. This is a tactic of his seduction strategy. His manipulation tactics include flirting, flattery, and finesse.
Narcissistic women are flirtatious and can charm men with their beauty and sex appeal. They then play cat and mouse, making them jealous or acting nonchalant to hook the men into going after them. Male narcissists often seduce with lavish gifts, fancy dinners, and a fancy lifestyle. Some narcissists practice love bombing, showering their partners with verbal, physical, and material expressions of “love” that are hard to resist.
Dating revolves around the narcissist
It is natural to idealize our partner in the romantic phase of a relationship. Unfortunately, for those of us who feel lonely, depressed, or codependent, idealizing can fuel our denial of the red flags that should be warning us to stop. It is also natural when falling in love to want to spend a lot of time with our partner. We can appreciate a man planning a wonderful evening or a woman who knows what she wants, and we’re happy to agree.
We don’t realize that the relationship is playing out on the narcissist’s terms. While we seek to please, for them, commitment is a painful loss of power. If we complain, they may get offended and say that they are doing everything for us, but never bother to ask us what we want. They like to be in control and before we know it we have allowed them to control when, where and what we do and with whom. At first we go for the sake of being together, but then out of fear. This is particularly dangerous for codependents who easily give themselves and their friends and activities into new relationships.
A corollary codependent behavior is not challenging the narcissist’s decisions and opinions. In the early stages of dating, we may not express anything that could have a negative impact on the relationship so as not to rock the boat. When we hesitate to disagree and not express disappointment, irritation, or hurt feelings, we gradually fade away and, like Echo, only echo what the narcissist believes and wants to hear. We will not let you know the negative impact of her behavior. So they have no incentive to change. Accommodating a narcissist feeds her supply and makes codependents and narcissists a perfect match.
what to look for
Of course, it’s their positive qualities, not negative ones, that make us fall in love, but if we’re dating someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, they won’t be able to hide their true colors for long. Some narcissists openly admit to having difficulties with relationships or intimacy. believe them. Even clients who say their spouse completely changed after the wedding admit there were telltale signs early on, once they learned more about narcissism and about themselves. For example, narcissists often become strong. They work hard to like you and satisfy their needs instead of building a relationship based on getting to know you, which they are not interested in.
It is common for narcissists to have angry outbursts. A small disagreement can quickly turn into a big conflict. They will not be held responsible. It’s all someone else’s fault, and that includes us. But even if he treats you wonderfully, see if he puts down his ex, acts entitled, or is inconsiderate, manipulative, or demeaning to other people. Assume that one day you will be the recipient of narcissistic abuse. Don’t justify bad behavior to yourself or to other people. is a pattern
At first, we are fascinated by listening to their achievements and listening to their entertaining stories and jokes. This is also how narcissists elevate their status in their eyes and ours. As time passes, it’s clear that the conversation is about them. Being a good listener is an advantage, but with a narcissist, it ensures that we will not be heard or seen. Some narcissists are dogmatic in order to maintain superiority. They always have to be right and won’t listen to a different opinion. If we’re honest with ourselves, they don’t really seem interested in us except long enough to satisfy their sexual and emotional needs. Notice if you feel disconnected, invisible, sponsored, or exhausted by the conversation.
When a narcissist can no longer maintain superior status through charm and boasting, or if we complain, a narcissist will devalue us in order to feel superior. They find fault with us or tell us how we should act, dress, eat, or change in some way. Perfectionist narcissists are the most difficult. For example, a narcissistic woman might try to change her man’s image of her and tell her how to dress. A male narcissist might focus on the physical appearance of his girlfriend. If we express pain, narcissists will say that they are being helpful or that we are overly sensitive. At first, we may overlook criticism, especially if it is delivered in a teasing or calm manner and if we have been abused in the past or have low self-esteem. Over time, demeaning comments will become more frequent, open, and insensitive.
When control is extreme, narcissists may interrogate us about our other relationships and conversations with family, our therapist, and friends. They may insist that we dress and behave a certain way and try to limit our contacts and activities.
A true narcissist lacks empathy. We end up feeling that we don’t matter and that our needs and feelings are not important. If when we share something sad or important to us, our partner does not show the appropriate emotional responses, it may be a sign of a lack of empathy.
Relationships with narcissists are challenging for codependents because the symptoms of codependency present obstacles to discerning these warning signs. There are multiple reasons why we still love an abuser and find it hard to leave. This may be because we have an abusive father or a narcissistic mother or father who did not value our needs and feelings. Healing codependency will help us change these relationship dynamics so that we can receive real love.
© Darlene Lancer 2020
