Many people after a breakup or divorce get involved in a relationship to not be alone. Getting into a relationship with someone for the sake of not being alone can cause problems down the road. What happens if you choose the wrong person? Let’s say you choose someone and introduce your children or get married. After five or six months, you start to realize that you made a mistake in selecting this person. What are you doing now? This is what happened to Ben. “When my marriage to Nicola, my very loud and overbearing American wife, ended, all I wanted was a quiet, simple life,” he said. Soon after, he began dating a Sri Lankan woman who could barely speak English. He kept the house clean, cooked well, and was always glad to see him. But before long he found himself taking on more and more family responsibilities. First the children, then the parents, and then an aunt. He also realized that a good conversation is key for him in a relationship and he felt lonelier than ever in his own home, despite being surrounded by other people. His eagerness to avoid alone time led him to be with the first person who showed him love and attention, if he had thought more clearly about what he wanted and needed in a long-term relationship, he would not have taken that decision. decision.
After a long-term breakup or divorce, it’s important to make sure you remove any baggage from the past and explore what you do and don’t want in a relationship. This is part of what I cover in post separation and divorce dating coaching sessions. You may think you want the complete opposite of your ex, but something attracted you to that person in the first place, so the total opposite often doesn’t work. As Janine also found out the hard way. Janine’s husband was sporty, handsome, and went out every night. He longed for him to spend more nights with her and to acknowledge all that she did for him at home, plus the effort he put into looking good. She used to spend hours working out, doing her hair, makeup, and getting her nails done to stay attractive. But he didn’t seem to notice. She endured for years because even though he didn’t give her any love or attention, at least she wasn’t alone. When she found out he was having an affair, she started one herself and left the marriage for Edward. Edward was the complete opposite, he rarely went out, had few friends, and liked to read and play chess. He at least he’ll be home with me at night and on weekends, she thought. But after a while she realized that they had nothing in common and that they were not a good match after all. Some of my clients who have been divorced twice say that the second marriage didn’t work out because they remarried their ex. So today I wanted to offer some advice on how to deal with loneliness.
1, stop comparing
Loneliness is a state of mind and is often the result of comparing ourselves and our situation to others. When we compare our lives to friends and family who are married or with children, we can create a feeling of loneliness and a fear that we will always be alone. The same thing can happen when you compare yourself to your life years before, or compare yourself to other long-time single friends and say they’ve been single a long time, so I’ll be too. When you compare, you are only hurting yourself and can cause a feeling of loneliness and fear. Fortunately I realized this over a decade ago. I couldn’t understand why at Christmas, birthdays and Valentine’s I felt so depressed and lonely. Why when I was surrounded by loving friends and family at Christmas did I feel bad? It did not make sense. It was because I was comparing myself to an ideal of what I thought I should have, judging myself. And yet I took no action to create what I wanted. When I realized that I was doing this to myself and creating my own loneliness, I vowed never to compare or judge myself again. I learned to change my thought pattern, this is something I do now with my clients. If you have any thoughts that do not allow you peace, we recognize them and change them. Christmas, birthdays, Ramadan, Valentine’s Day can be trigger points for useless comparisons. The key is to stop comparing and change your approach. The following is about taking steps to feel better, see below. You see, Nicola, our thoughts create our emotions, but the good thing is that we can change our thoughts.
2. Take action
Rather than jumping into a relationship, the following actions are what have worked or are working for my clients. I share them in case they can help you.
1. Animals
Spending some time with animals can end loneliness. Get a pet, offer to sit for your friends, or volunteer at your local charity/animal shelter. Many find that walking or petting animals can be very effective in managing loneliness. Animals are a great source of companionship.
2.Physical Activities
you may be sick of hearing it, sorry if you are and I appreciate that we all already know that physical activity is beneficial for mental and physical health. But it’s also a great way for many of my clients to meet new friends. There are so many sports clubs these days, desert trekking, swimming, cycling, volleyball, soccer, tennis, etc. Personally, I love to walk and practice yoga. There are so many options available to us, the first step is to just show up and get started. If you have a hard time getting started and procrastinate, you’re not alone, myself included. My trick to getting started is to simply set a date, make it a “must do” and not a “should do” and hold myself accountable by telling people I’m going to do it. Failing that, I find someone to join me, so we start together. Feel free to email me what you plan to start doing and I’ll get back to you.
3. Hobbies
Find something you like to do and get involved. Check out meetup groups, LinkedIn and Facebook groups for events, time out, Groupon, and the newspaper for activities and start testing them. Here are some of the new activities my clients have started at the GCC: Cake Decorating, Sushi Making, Fishing, Painting, Cooking, Weaving, Makeup Lessons, Playgroups, Voiceover Groups, and Toast Public Speaker Group . This is also a great way to make new friends. Or if you have children, make friends through children’s activities.
4. Start a group
If there really isn’t anything that appeals to you, start your own group. I helped 3 of my clients do this. For example, Debbie in Arabia started a women’s yoga and healing group, Mohammed started a financial club for those interested in investing in the GCC markets. David works for him as a freelance graphic designer. He felt quite lonely when he ended his marriage and does not enjoy team sports, he prefers to swim and run alone. But all the sudden alone time from him was driving him crazy. He couldn’t find a group that interested him, so we looked into establishing his own networking group with his favorite clients and some of his friends. He invited marketing, IT and media clients to join and not only does he now have an active social life, but he has increased his turnover so much that he now employs two other people. He no longer feels alone.
In short, if you feel lonely, my advice would be to go to your favorite place for coffee or lunch, with a notebook or laptop, and start planning the actions you can take to bring yourself happiness and avoid loneliness. So commit and take action
I hope this has been useful to you, From my heart to yours
