mourning the death of the living

Mourning an abuser who is still alive

Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. ~Author unknown

It would seem that letting go of a relationship with someone who used, abused, and objectified you, be it a parent, friend, sibling, partner, or spouse, would be a huge relief—a monumental weight lifted off your shoulders. From a logical point of view, being free from years of control and oppression should feel good, and it may feel good for a short period of time.

Whether your abuser leaves you or you leave your abuser, whether you choose moderate contact or no contact, there will come a time when the relief you initially felt will wear off and be replaced by a variety of disturbing emotions.

Ending a relationship with someone you were emotionally involved with is always painful. But realizing that the relationship you thought never existed and that you meant nothing to the person you trusted and loved is completely devastating.

As you come to terms with what happened to you, you may experience periods of unexplained loneliness, emotional faltering, and deep depression that last days, weeks, or months. He may experience spikes of sadness, denial, and anger, in no particular order. This is all part of the grieving process.

Even though your abuser is still alive, the idealized relationship you hoped for is not. Your belief that the person will change is gone, leaving a big void that hope used to fill.

The grieving process is painful, but it is an integral part of your healing. It is important that you allow yourself to experience all the feelings that come up: cry when you need to cry, allow the anger you feel to surface. Anger is a necessary part of the healing process. It is the vessel through which your wounded self regains its voice.

Be kind and accept your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even if they seem illogical. Take care of your physical needs: eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise, rest when you are tired, get enough sleep. Surround yourself with love and support.

It may seem like the suffering will never end, but it will. Do not set a time limit on your complaint. It is different for each of us.

There are five stages to the grieving process, as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking 1969 book, About death and dying. Since the Kübler-Ross stages of grief apply to death and dying, not recovery from abuse, I have modified the explanations. The stages are still perfectly relevant.

You can experience the first four stages of grief in any order, and you can go through each of them more than once. Acceptance always comes last.

1. Denial:

   1. You find excuses and reasons to cling to the relationship.

   1. You want to believe, against all logic or rationality, that things can change.

   1. You don’t want to believe that the relationship is actually over.

   1. You refuse to accept the reality of what happened to you.

   1. The bad things that happened don’t seem so bad and the good things seem much better than they really were.

   1. You isolate yourself from others.

2. 
   Angel:
   

   1. You are angry with yourself for putting up with the abuse.

   1. He is angry at his abuser for ruining his life.

   1. You are angry at other people for letting you down.

   1. You are angry at God or the Universe for punishing you.

   1. You hate your abuser for everything he has done to you and fantasize about ways to get back at him.

   1. You hate yourself for being so angry and you blame your abuser for making you feel that way.

3. 
   Negotiation:
   

   1. You feel desperate to lose the relationship.

   1. You suffer from loss anxiety.

   1. Are you willing to change your ways or give your abuser another chance to change theirs.

   1. You are willing to forgive and forget what happened and start over.

   1. You are willing to renegotiate the limits you set.

   1. You ask him to agree to the advice or offer to go yourself.

4. 
   Depression:
   

   1. Feelings of deep sadness invade you.

   1. You feel hopeless and powerless.

   1. You can’t get out of it.

   1. You cry often and are heartbroken.

   1. You are unmotivated and lethargic.

   1. Has altered eating patterns.

   1. You have disturbed sleep patterns.

   1. You self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.

   1. You withdraw into yourself.

5. 
   Acceptance: Always the final stage
   

   1. You come to terms with the loss.

   1. You feel at peace.

   1. You are able to let go of the relationship.

   1. You accept the limitations of your abuser.

   1. You accept the choices you have made.

   1. You let go of your feelings.

   1. You are ready to move on.

The Yugoslav writer Selimovi table? summed up grieving the loss of a relationship beautifully in this quote:

“Everyone says love hurts, but that’s not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that doesn’t hurt.”

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