I often hear from wives who felt very justified in kicking out their husband after finding out about his affair. But, now they are beginning to doubt that decision because his absence is very difficult. In short, the wife misses her husband much more than she ever thought possible. And she wonders what this means in terms of her marriage and in terms of her recovery.
An example of a comment in this situation is something like, “I didn’t hesitate for a second when I kicked my husband out of the house after he confessed to an affair. He obviously didn’t expect me to ask him to.” go away I am convinced that if I had thought there was any chance that he would lose me over this, I would never have confessed. However, I knew right away that I wanted him out of my house. I have made it clear since I would not tolerate being deceived. When I asked him to leave, my husband protested and begged me to reconsider. But eventually, it became clear that he wasn’t going to change his mind and he finally left. And I felt very good. about my conviction to stick to what I’ve always said, that cheating is a deal breaker, but now that he’s been gone for a couple of weeks and keeps leaving me messages and texts, I realize I miss him terribly. Just not having your presence here makes the house feel so lonely. Frankly, I hate being alone. I hate sleeping alone. I miss having someone to snuggle with and watch TV. And I’m mad at myself for this. But I can’t deny it. What does it really mean to miss him? Does it just mean that I will eventually adjust? Does it mean I’m not as strong as I thought? Does it mean I should try to save my marriage?” I will try to address these questions in the next article.
It’s normal to miss your husband, even after an affair: Here’s something not everyone is going to tell you about an affair. Yes, you are angry with your husband. Yes, you have every reason to not want him near you. But, because so often the discovery of the affair happens so quickly, it’s not like you can stop loving your husband in an instant. One day you might think that your life is fine and that your marriage, while not perfect, is holding up. And then suddenly everything you thought you knew is proven wrong. This happens over the course of minutes, hours, or mere days. That’s not enough time for you to process this. And how are you supposed to quench the love you feel for your husband? Unfortunately, love isn’t something you can just turn off and on.
This may or may not have implications for your marriage: People save their marriages after affairs every day. Some couples go on to have a very satisfying and even improved marriage. I am one of those people. I can’t tell you that saving your marriage isn’t hard work because it is. But it helps if the love is still there. Missing your husband is not always a sure sign that the love is still there. But it can be. With that being said though, I don’t think this is something you need to necessarily decide at this point, which brings me to my next point.
Why I think it’s best to take the time to determine what this really means: Missing your husband doesn’t mean you won’t be fine on your own. It doesn’t mean you will never recover. Nor does it mean that you will necessarily choose to save your marriage. It’s just a feeling that you want to be aware of as you process this. You may decide to listen to these feelings and be a little more open with her husband as he tries to communicate with you. Or, you may decide that even though she completely misses you and may even still love you, then this is a deal breaker that you can never get over.
However, these are decisions that you often cannot make when the matter is still very fresh. And he has no way of knowing if her husband will be willing to go into rehab or work very hard to figure out why this might have happened so they can both prevent it from happening again. Missing him can be promising when you want to save your marriage. But when you’re not sure, sometimes it’s just one more clue in a bunch of clues that will come your way.
My best advice is to notice what is happening and then watch very closely how things begin to unfold in the present. You may decide that you want to give it a shot to see if you’re up to the task. Or, you may decide that you will work very hard to keep going, even if you miss him. But I think it’s pretty obvious at this point, it may be a little early to tell. Often your feelings and your intentions can change drastically as this progresses.
