When Dr. Romance was a child, growing up in the small town of Rockland, New York, there was a small post office, which was a small room with a separate entrance in the house next door. Rockland’s official postmaster was Clara Weiss, who looked very old even when I was a very young child. She was what we used to call a “maid” or spinster, who had dedicated her life to caring for her mother, who was disabled and not quite balanced either. Ms. Weiss had one leg and would often sneak out of the house and crawl across the yard, yelling strange things. Clara, of course, didn’t have much of a social life. After her mother died, and Rockland lost his little post office (we had to go to the slightly larger town of Roscoe, a mile away), Clara went to work at the central post office, to about 20 miles away. There he met a co-worker, and when he was 73 years old, I remember we gave him a bridal lingerie shower. It really is never too late to fall in love. Clara moved in with her husband and they spent about 10 good years together.

A few years ago, a friend and former student of Richard’s, who was in her 70s, reconnected with an ex whose marriage proposal she had rejected when she was 20, because he had a drinking problem. In the intervening years, they both married other people, had children and a full life. Fifty years after their first romance, when they were both widowed, he located her, went to San Diego to have lunch with him, and did not return for a week. They too got married and spent a few happy years together.

A dear friend of mine, who lives in another city and has been divorced for many years, has been living happily for a couple of years with the man she met in college and decided not to marry. They had married other people, had children, got divorced years ago, and reconnected last year. They are happy together.

In addition to these reconnected love stories, I often see clients in my practice who get back together after separation or divorce. In fact, some couples come to me after they broke up several times due to fights and disagreements, but something always brings them back together. Surprisingly, many people start dating again after divorcing or breaking up. I believe in the power of love, and if your heart yearns; It’s okay to get close to a first love or a previous love; as long as you do it correctly.

You may have never satisfactorily resolved the old relationship, or one or both of you may have matured and become a more suitable candidate for a relationship. Many people find that they appreciate each other more after being apart for a while. Also, as I said, I have seen several couples reconnect with joy much later in life, after getting married and having families with other couples.

It depends on how accurate your memory is and how good or bad reality feels. If it’s good, then you really think it was love at first sight. If it’s bad, you’re left with what was I thinking? It is very easy to idealize someone you have never known well; reality never affects fantasy, so the ideal person is not tarnished. You remember a rosy image of perfection. That is hard to put aside, if the reality is never checked.

Can this really work, or will it just fall apart again? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.

Dr. Romance’s Guidelines for Improving Your Odds With Your Ex

* Consider seeing a therapist on your own, to get expert help and decide if you are looking for this old love for the right reasons; and to help you gain perspective on what might need to be corrected.

* Make a careful first contact: strictly Hi, how are you? For example, if you see old love on Facebook, try texting and asking to be friends. Don’t say anything about continuing to have feelings. It’s very possible that your old love is married now, or even gay. You need to find out what is going on before you make a move.

* Be aware of whether forgiveness is needed. Did you hurt this person’s feelings in college? You got hurt? Old unresolved feelings can last a long time and flare up when you least expect it.

* If you get a positive response, take it very slowly. Rushing through things means that you are trying to avoid some truths. If it is going to work, it will be better if you take the time to build a better foundation than you had before.

* Treat it like a new relationship. Start from the beginning and do it differently; this time it might work.

* Analyze what went wrong last time and consciously try to fix old problems. If you can’t honestly talk about what went wrong and what to do differently, nothing will ever change.

* Make sure your ex is as determined to improve the old relationship as you are. If he or she blames you for everything that went wrong, the disaster is immanent. If you blame your ex, it’s just as big a problem.

* Insist on couples therapy for both of you. Pre-engagement therapy can help you figure out the pitfalls and whether you’ve resolved old issues.

After all this, you may still find that it is too late to remedy the problem that led to the breakup. You may find that you are holding on to a fantasy that is not compatible with reality. If you try to rekindle an old love and it doesn’t work, then you are faced with letting it go, again.

You may even have the need to try harder because the breakup eventually overcomes the denial and fantasy that misbehaving or not cooperating is okay. We also have a lot of cultural mythology about I will never stop loving you, which says that holding on to and tormenting this lost love means that you are truly in love. But holding on to an impossible lost love is unrealistic.

You must understand that a relationship is a partnership and requires the work of both partners to be successful. The initial stage of romance is not supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and that requires paying attention, learning and growing. It is not a fairy tale, it is a real life love story and it is worth the work required. If you give nothing, you get nothing. Love is something we create by working together and one person cannot force it.

Holding on to a lost love can become toxic: persisting in showing up at your ex’s house, calling or showing up at work, threatening physical harm, calling your ex’s family and friends, or interfering with your life in other ways, It won’t just pressure you. ex far away, it is illegal in many states and is defined as stalking. Sometimes the attachment is fostered, consciously or unconsciously, by an ex who doesn’t really want to be with you, but who doesn’t want to ‘hurt’ you or still receives benefits (financial aid, non-binding sex, you do the laundry, you’re willing to wear children more than your share) that he or she does not want to endanger. But this one-sided arrangement won’t make you happy, and it’s probably time to move on.

Once you are attached to someone, it is very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don’t want to grieve that is necessary to let go. But, when you have had a loss, there are a certain number of tears that you must cry to release it; continuing to cry is the fastest way. Also, it is possible that the dissolution of the relationship was not your idea, so you are clinging to a dream, in denial. And letting go is the way to find the love you want.

I wish you love, whether it is rekindled or you go ahead and create something new.