“When I say ‘no’ to you, you wear me down until I say ‘yes’ to you. And then I wonder what I’m doing with you, because deep down I know I’m not happy.” Sounds familiar?

Domestic violence survivors tell me that they often have no say in a couple’s decisions. Instead, they have a routine charade of “getting her consent” when the fact is that what she really does is give up defending herself.

One-way decisions in abusive relationships

The tug-of-war becomes so unpleasant that going after your wishes costs more in the shuffle than not getting your wishes fulfilled in the first place. It is practiced in the path of least resistance.

It’s not even about committing. It’s more about keeping his hitting or whining at bay. And then one day, she wakes up and realizes that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. She has grown to push him away…to protect herself from wanting in the first place.

It’s the way he manages to realize that if he doesn’t go along with his wishes, “hell will break out.” So, she worries about her efforts to appease him to avoid conflict.

Decision dynamics in abusive relationships

What she has been conditioned to do, over time, is make compromises to keep her partner in line. Her flexibility and willingness to compromise do not favor the interest of the relationship. Conversely, give up how she does it it’s actually detrimental to any long-term relationship.

While it contributes to immediate peace, eventually the decision-making dynamic of abusive relationships solidifies. Suddenly it becomes clear that there is one person voting on options that mutually affect each party. This unilateral decision dynamic becomes the basis on which all decisions within the relationship are made.

Break the cycle and cast your vote

How dare I suggest that one day you wake up and cast your vote? Good? I’m sure if you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you’ve forgotten how to vote, let alone why you’d vote anyway.

This relationship pattern of one-sided decision-making can only be broken by approaching the dynamic from two ends: her part and his part. It is critical that both parties engage in a process to successfully overcome these entrenched abusive dynamics.

Can be done? Yes…if, and only if, both individuals care more about the togetherness of their relationship than getting the other person to take their perspective or dysfunctionally keeping the peace.

If you’re in an abusive relationship characterized by this one-sided decision process, you’ll want to know about the dynamics of abusive relationships and how to break the insidious cycle of intimate partner abuse. You will be amazed at how it feels to start living your life from your shoes, as well as his.