Sometimes I hear from people who thought long and hard before finally telling the truth about their adventure. This is a decision that was not made lightly. Often they came and went. They debated internally. They even reached out to trusted friends and asked for advice. And, in the end, they decide that the right thing to do is to tell the truth. But when they finally do, the worst-case scenario occurs and they face the prospect of losing their spouse and family. Therefore, they have to admit to themselves that it may have been better to do the wrong thing and lie.

You might hear a comment like, “I had an affair with a man who takes yoga at the same time as me. I never intended the relationship to be anything other than friendship. And even when I crossed the line, I never had any intention of leave my husband and my family. So I broke up with the other man. And stayed away from him. But my husband had his suspicions and I began to have to answer a lot of questions. friends if only I told the truth about the affair. Everyone They told me that I should lie and do whatever I had to do so that my husband would never know the truth. But this seemed wrong to me. Every time I was around my husband, I felt horrible guilt. I felt like I was the type of person who didn’t even He even deserved it. So I decided to tell him the truth. I really believed that he would be devastated, but he would support me because we have been together for so long and we have a family that is very important to both of us. Well, as soon as I told my husband d sees her rdad, he left. And he has not returned. And he says he can probably never forgive me. He says he will be welcoming and responsive to me because he knows this is important to our children. But it also says that I have crossed a line that can never be undone. I feel like telling the truth made me lose everything. I wish I had lied. “

I hear this quite often. Most of the time, the cheating spouse is really trying to do the right thing. But they feel like they have been punished for it. And they can’t help but wonder if they would still be happily married if they had been smart enough to keep their mouths shut. It can be excruciating to know that there is no way to undo your confession. Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no way to put it back in.

Since you can’t get it back, make the most of: Since he can’t go back now, I think he could also work with what he has. Yes, your spouse is furious and the fall of this is very challenging and scary. But I can tell you that things can calm down and I do. Spouses can and do reconsider. I can also tell you that I often hear of people struggling with guilt for living a lie. So saving this to yourself has huge downsides, too. You risk your spouse finding out that you have been lying. Believe it or not, the fall is usually worse. At least in this scenario, your spouse cannot deny that he did the right thing by telling the truth and being honest. In the end, that sometimes counts for something. It may take a while for the effect of the shock to wear off and for your spouse to stop lashing out at you. I know waiting is difficult.

Consider the downside of continuing to lie: As a spouse who has been cheated on before, I admit that I believe that telling the truth is the right thing to do. It is the first step to taking responsibility and restoring trust. If you had continued to lie, your spouse would always know and could have a very hard time getting over it. And you would know, too, and you might have trouble looking in the mirror.

I know that telling the truth may seem like a mistake at this point. But that’s only because you’re dealing with tough consequences. In truth, you may still have had to deal with these consequences later when your spouse found out. And, it could have been even worse at the time because you were still cheating.

In this way at least, you’ve ventured and shown enough respect and care for your spouse to tell him the truth. I can tell you from experience that his pride is deeply hurt and he is questioning what he thought he knew about your marriage. This is painful. You can understand why he is fighting the way he is. You can understand why he is angry and hurt. But, it may not act this way forever. You can help his cause by being patient with him and continuing to emphasize that you love him and therefore want to take responsibility for his actions. You may have to be patient. You may need to give your spouse time. And you may have to work tirelessly for him to consider giving you a second chance. But I don’t think being honest after cheating is the wrong decision. It is the first step to get it right.