Codependency is more than a relationship problem. It hurts our psyche and individual development. Not make mistakes. It’s not our fault. The wounds of codependency are adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our individuality, authenticity, and our future quality of life. The beliefs and behaviors we learned later led to problems in adult relationships. In fact, they tend to recreate the dysfunctional family of our past.

The wounds of codependency begin in childhood

Codependency is learned and passed down generationally. It begins in childhood, usually due to codependent parenting, including being raised by a parent who is addicted or has a mental or emotional illness. To survive, we must adapt to our parents’ needs, actions, and emotions at the expense of developing an individual Self. Repetitive patterns shaped our personality style with supporting beliefs, which were learned and inferred from parental behavior. They were shaped by our immature minds as babies and toddlers in the context of total dependence on our parents. An example is: “I must not cry (or express anger) to be safe, hugged and loved.”

We develop a codependent personality, employing strategies of power, complacency, or withdrawal to endure dysfunctional parenting. Proper use of all of these is healthy, but codependents compulsively rely on one or two. In Conquering Shame and Codependency, I describe these coping mechanisms and personalities as The Master, The Conciliator, and The Spectator.

Pediatrician and psychiatrist Donald Winnicott believed that early childhood trauma threatens the annihilation of the Self. It is a disorienting shock that affects us in multiple systems. Trauma marginalizes thinking and affects our ability to successfully accomplish developmental tasks. Imagine a vulnerable infant who has to overcome the threat of extinction while navigating interpersonal relationships where he should feel safe. He or she must be hypervigilant to anticipate and interpret the parent’s reactions and adjust accordingly. Normal interpersonal development suffers. Instead, maintaining attachment becomes our priority while we still have to deal with ongoing relational trauma in childhood and later as adults.

Therefore, the development of a fully embodied Self is stunted by this accommodation system. Effective parenting requires that parents view their children as separate individuals. They must tune in, empathize, and honor their child’s experience. This allows us to feel safe and helps develop an autonomous self. With codependent caregivers, however, we tune in to them. We perversely organize our state of mind to accommodate our parents.

For example, how can a child safely navigate and satisfy their need for love with a distracted, anxious, critical, or controlling parent? An anxious or abusive parent makes us anxious and fearful. A controlling parent extinguishes self-confidence and initiative. A critical or intrusive parent crushes us, producing insecurity and self-criticism. These early patterns distort our perception of ourselves, our work, and our relationships. All of these and other dysfunctional parenting styles create shame: that we are bad, inadequate, and unpleasant.

The cost of codependency

Early insecure attachments with caregivers require us to let go of our spontaneous felt experience. Over time, our personality and reactions solidify. Our ability to self-reflect, process new information, adjust, and respond is affected. Our reactions become rigid and our cognitive distortions feel absolute.

Consequently, our individual development is hampered by the selective inclusion and exclusion of data that can provide contradictory information. We develop a template of “shoulds” and constraints that operate beyond our awareness. We do it because on an archaic psychic level, the alternative feels terrifying that we risk losing our connection to another person (ie parents) and to people in general. In support of this, we project our parents’ reactions onto other people.

For example, some of my clients have impaired perceptions of their attractiveness and cannot be persuaded otherwise. Some may undergo unnecessary cosmetic surgery despite the consensus that they are beautiful. Similarly, for many codependents, setting limits or asking about their needs feels selfish. They have a strong resistance to doing so, even though they are being exploited by a selfish, narcissistic, or abusive partner.

The challenge of recovery

The antecedents of our codependent personality are buried in our past. For many of us, it started in childhood. Some of us remember a normal childhood and are unable to identify what went wrong. Therefore, our thinking and reactions are not questioned and are obstacles to learning from the experience. Furthermore, the effect of trauma on the nervous system makes it difficult and frightening to discover our feelings. Modifying our reactions and behavior feels dangerous.

We continue to behave according to the primitive system of accommodation that operates outside of our awareness. We are guided by beliefs that we never question, such as the common codependent beliefs, “If I am loved, then I am lovable” and “If I am vulnerable (authentic), I will be judged and rejected.” “Furthermore, we interpret our experiences in ways that reinforce fallacious and archaic beliefs. An unreturned text confirms that we have upset someone. This can happen even in therapy when we want to be liked by our therapist or fear their displeasure, boredom, or abandonment The lack of attention from a friend (or therapist) shows that we are a burden and/or unpleasant.

In intimate relationships, instead of questioning whether a partner meets our needs or is capable of love, we conclude that the problem is us. Our reactions to our mistaken beliefs can perpetuate or intensify the problems we are trying to remedy. We could repeat that pattern without hesitation in later relationships.

Freud’s death wish is nothing more than a shameful reaction to a punitive critic who stiffly spits out commands that mimic an abusive or controlling parent or who grew up as a child to avoid the terror of emotional abandonment. Our internal dictates overwhelm our spontaneity and ability to experience the full range of our emotions, in particular, joy. When our normal reactions to parental behavior are often embarrassed, we eventually can’t access them. We numb ourselves and live an “as if” life that covers up rage, despair, and emptiness.

The recovery process

We can heal our childhood trauma. In recovery, we learn missing skills, self-love, and healthy responses. Learning thrives in a safe and nonjudgmental environment, different from the numbing one we grew up in and continues to dominate our minds. We need an atmosphere that welcomes experimentation and spontaneity where we can challenge the prohibitions embedded in our unconscious. Take these steps:

1. Seek therapy with a competent therapist.
2. Attend Codependents Anonymous meetings and work with a sponsor.
3. Reacquaint yourself with your feelings and needs. This can be a difficult process. Feelings live in the body. Pay attention to subtle changes in your posture, gestures, and moods and feelings, such as discouragement, numbness, anger, guilt, anxiety, hopelessness, and shame. Watch especially for sudden changes from feeling confident to insecure and present to numb or distracted. It is possible that you have moved from your real Self to your codependent personality: how you felt in childhood.
4. Explore the triggers that change your moods and feelings and their associated beliefs, thoughts, and memories.
5. Do the Codependency For Dummies and Conquering Shame exercises to speed up this process.
6. Challenge your beliefs. See “Codependent Brainwashing Deprogramming.”
7. Write down and confront negative self-talk. Use the 10 Steps to Self-Esteem eWorkbook to challenge your beliefs and your inner critic.
8. Experiment, play and try new things.

© Darlene Lancer 2020