1. Exposed
If my best friend and I had a dollar for every time a guy sticks his dick out on the first date for no reason, we’d have I like it six dollars. That is too many dollars. Guys — because let’s face it, you can’t call them men — let me be very clear. THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Just because you worked up the courage to give me a big wet one, right? No it means that your newly founded impulse of confidence is somehow a justification for your unforgivable lack of self-control. A sweet goodnight kiss from me doesn’t mean unbuttoning your pants is the next logical step. Why? Are you a sexual predator—frantically exposing yourself to young children in the park? Are you so desperate for someone other than yourself to take a look? No, I really don’t want to touch it. I really don’t want to and frankly never want to touch it, because Alan — this will be our last meeting. You desperately needed me to take you to your car that was parked “too far” from the restaurant, but as soon as you got out of my vehicle, Will You will be blocking your number, adding it to “the list”. Please whose enjoy the rest of your evening, which by the way, was going perfectly fine until you decided to expose yourself, both literally and figuratively.
2. Two month marker
“You are too dominant for me.”
That’s what he told me as I took another sip of my white wine. I’m ashamed to admit this more than anything, but those words… oh, those words would never leave me.
Who the hell was he to tell me I’m “too dominant”? We haven’t been dating for more than a couple of months. He was the lunatic who snapped at me for a card game.
As if my Plenty of Fish account showed the very essence of my inner being: the only thing that stood out in my dating profile was my D-cups and my sad attempt to appear nonchalant. (As if I didn’t have generalized anxiety.) So what was I hoping that would attract my profile? DOMINANT. I said the word over and over in my head. How? When? I needed specific examples because I couldn’t think of just one. More importantly, why did it bother me so much? I couldn’t let it go.
He could have said anything, but why that word? Guys in their twenties have called me a lot of things: crazy, too loud, but they seem to drop out of my head. Calling a girl crazy is like calling a boy scum. It is neither a secret nor an insult, it is an obvious fact. As twenty-something girls, we don’t just expect the “crazy” label, we welcome it! For us, “crazy” is just code for “indecisive but intuitive woman.” She knows everything, but she doesn’t have the slightest idea what she wants to do with this wealth of information. Oppressive? Sometimes our emotions tend to be a bit unbalanced. I totally agree with this and take full responsibility, however I don’t agree with being called “too dominant”. Now, before I sound like a typical millennial, let me clarify — I’m not actually saying, “I know it all,” but at this very particular moment — my “quarter-life crisis” — I I realized something. An epiphany, if you will: Guys in their twenties claim to want a smart, strong-minded woman, but that’s a complete lie.
So, as Beyoncé says in Lemonade“I’m too much for you”.
3. Ex-boyfriends versus starting over?
Well, ladies, we know we’re all guilty of it. Raise your hand (if she’s reading this while alone and not on the subway) if you’ve ever gotten back together with an ex after a recently failed relationship. Lots of hands I guess! Let’s face it, getting back with an ex for comfort is a lot easier than updating your profile picture on Plenty of Crap — I mean Fish — or Match or Tinder, and filtering through dozens of new messages. I must warn you — those of you who have found ways to get around the harsh reality and true shemale dating you have become — it is worse than you think. Now I know I may sound a bit cynical here and that’s okay, maybe sometimes I am, but not without good reason! Anyway, back to the topic at hand. To all new friends, enemies, and future lovers, please, if you identify as male, I beg you, STOP USING SELFIE STICKS. I am embarrassed and dare I say disturbed by the number of grown men using Selfie Sticks. (I’m also upset that I had to add the word Selfie to my Word dictionary.) I’d like to think of myself as kind and broad-minded, but how can I not judge when there are twenty-eight-year-old, six-foot-tall guys holding giant sticks in the air with their $600 iPhones attached to them? at a Drake concert? I propose to ban Selfie Sticks across the country. Who’s with me?! But I digress. Now, of course, there are always exceptions. A Selfie Stick, in which you yourself are not holding, but merely acting as an innocent bystander — I mean victim — of this horrendous display of what our society has become, is overlooked. Then we can move on to reading his sad attempt at an “About Me” description.
My Favorites: Those who claim they won’t answer questions from us women if we’re big, fat, overweight, or, my personal favorite, if we don’t exercise. Aid. Just a fun fact, most girls don’t LIKE going to the gym. We go because we have to — and even if we enjoy it sometimes (I love my Zumba and Hot Yoga) it doesn’t mean we want it to be a main topic of our discussions. So, after reading the “About Me” sections full of misspellings, grotesque phrases like “hanging out with friends” and “travelling”, what else do we have to wait for you to ask? Oh wait! I almost forget it. This really should have been the first thing I mentioned, but somehow I forgot. Drum roll please…screen names. Twenty-something screen names are hilarious. I must give credit where credit is due: prank420, pappichulo0, Getatchaboi, imthe14u and finally the treasured bbc69. These are obviously variations of actual screen names to protect the identities of my clever suitors. In addition to their thoughtful first impressions, twenty-somethings also enjoy posting shirtless selfies, another terrible epidemic in the online dating sphere. Do I need to go any further here?
So how on earth can anyone blame a girl for choosing the alternative: texting an ex you’ve already had sex with and you know will be more than happy to hear from you? A simple “Hey Stranger” usually does the trick. Both men in their twenties and women in their twenties are guilty of this. Why? Hello, who wants to examine the creatures of Plenty of Fish? I do not. For the most part, our options are limited; If I haven’t mentioned it before, people our age are often unable to look up from their smartphones to notice a pretty girl walking down the street or a handsome boy looking at you. Now, don’t get me wrong, after hundreds of deleted and unopened messages, there are a gem or two out there, seriously, ONE or TWO, that will catch your eye. So after revealing this harsh reality, I just want to say, ladies, don’t be so hard on yourself.
