Each season brings a host of disappointing events for almost every college football fan. After all, there is only one champion. Dealing with disappointment is difficult for most, but it’s a way of life for football fans who attend a school that is dedicated to basketball. Disappointments are especially difficult for fans of those teams who are used to beating others up. After surprise losses, these fans find themselves on the fence and struggling to order their morning Starbucks.

It’s reasonable to be disappointed after one’s favorite team loses. It is unreasonable to throw stones at the referee’s car. Some people have dedicated themselves to soccer and when soccer fails them, they go into a deep emotional free fall called Overdedication.

Signs of over-dedication include acute depression when the favorite team loses. People put up with this, but sometimes whole states get depressed for weeks and can’t function after your team lays an egg on the field. Ohio State, Penn State, Nebraska, Texas, and every major program has failed its own expectations at some point. Teams get over a loss, but the fan’s emotional attachment to the team is so damaged that everyday life becomes a challenge.

The San Andreas fault could cut through the home field of the Cal Bears, but some actual earthquakes have occurred in past seasons thousands of miles away in central Michigan. The bomb crater that was the Big House is still burning after the mighty wolverines of Michigan lost to one of their Patsy Parade teams: Appalachian State. This started the show on a rapid transit descent into the underworld of bowl ineligibility in 2008. Not far from that, and in the same year in South Bend, IN more tremors occurred as the once invincible Fighting Irish rose to achieve a 1-7 mark. The repercussions of these events are still being felt.

The cloud that still hangs over Ann Arbor reeks of smoke and stale beer. Michigan fans need help. Recovering from the embarrassment of losing unexpectedly, especially in front of a television audience, is a very difficult task. Following that up a week later with another huge public flop is, for some, too much to bear. Coping skills have not been developed in Ann Arbor. The inability to deal rationally with failures in soccer raises issues of judgment and mental balance, which, interestingly, applies to winners as well as losers.

The following is a 12-step plan for the overly dedicated fan. These steps are the key to enjoying life after a particularly disappointing loss. These steps involve increasing levels of difficulty. So go ahead, learn from the descriptions, and take back control of your life! This plan has been designed to work in a week, so don’t give up!

1. Admitting to being powerless against my football team – Admitting that my life is unmanageable.

If you are in this position, your life is unimaginable. Witness those painting body parts in team colors. Why would anyone do this, especially on cold fall evenings? Most university infirmaries are halfway houses masquerading as clinics where you can’t tell which half the majority of residents are going to. Inviting pneumonia is not good for GPA and beer does not improve it. Alumni don’t handle this any better than students, as many didn’t really want to graduate anyway.
Powerlessness before the passion for football is a threat to well-being. Not spending rent at the bar has always been a challenge, especially for Illinois fans. One must depend on friends to spend rent money on you at the bar. Then go home. This is a necessary skill for life.

2. Belief in a power greater than myself that will restore sanity.

Usually this power comes in the form of a police officer. The officer is restoring sanity to everyone in his section, his dorm, his block, or his house. This allows the recovering fan to get some quiet time to reflect along with some really great compatriots, one of whom is named Bucky.

3. Let go of control and live in the moment.

You didn’t throw the interception. You cannot order the kicker to lose the extra point. You can’t make that cheerleader look at you. So drop it. He has bigger problems, like getting a C on the Comp English test which is due Monday at 8am.

Alums have similar problems. Showing up to business meetings with a hangover is bad policy. They also can’t make that cheerleader look at them. Unless you can pass better than Brady Quinn, sit in the stands and enjoy the game!

4. Evaluate your personal ethical strengths.

This is a quick step. Most fans check their morale inventories at the stadium gate. It’s a short list anyway. And when they pick it up on the way home, it’s much shorter.

Evaluate what you value in life. Honestly ask yourself ‘am I a good person?’ When was the last time I bought a round at the Stadium Inn? So if you hang out at the Stadium Inn, share the load.

5. Shine the light of day on my mistakes.

Shine all you want… You’re in the stadium with 50,000 other people doing the same. Why does the TV Cameraman keep pointing at me?

Asking questions is healthy. Not answering them is dangerous. For students who can’t get tickets anywhere other than the student section, this is doubly dangerous. Holding the babe above your head and handing her to the guy behind you will only invite the wife to ask the tough questions. Don’t do anything you’d be ashamed of if it appeared on Action News at 11.

6. Throw out all the poor features.

Just when I leave the stadium. Or… right after I leave the bar. Or… forget it, I’m going to bed.
Character flaws are revealed all at once during football season. The combination of hot, cold, liquor, noise and handsome college students makes the most of the masculine sense through the arms of Touchdown Jesus. Unfortunately, this does not award points and is a potential source of extortion when one finally wants to settle down and get married. This also gives teammates a useful opportunity to get promises of future action, not for things like mowing the lawn, but for important things like long vacations in exchange for letting you watch your team uninterrupted for a couple of hours. Southern girls have this to an art. If they go to a game, they don’t bring money.

7. Implore the Supreme Being to remove all defects and shortcomings. ,

Right after he eliminates the shortcomings of our running game! Is God seeing this? If it was, I’d hit that O-Line with a 2 for 12.

Asking God to remove one’s shortcomings is a job. He’ll probably fall back on your sunburned bald spot, and he’ll probably laugh as you stumble through the exercise. You dug the hole, now you fill it in. If you want to watch Penn State play Slippery Rock instead of working on your physics homework, call. But hold your breath when it’s time for the pop quiz. This applies to students who need work but only go as far as the ESPN Zone.

8. Make things right with everything that has been damaged.

Do the referees count? How do I compensate all families in section 202?

Recovering fans really have to work on this. It is impossible to correct all the errors of the opening game of the season. However, everyone who heard his remarks as they left the Casa Grande last Saturday was thinking the same thing. Why should he be punished for saying what everyone else was thinking? The answer: because your conscience is buried in the closet with a bagel from last week, half a can of flat Miller Lite, and your Black Sabbath tapes.

9. Provide redress to those who have been wronged.

The same Amateur in Recovery is included in this. This part of the process frequently goes awry for RF, as attempts to apologize only reignite the passions that caused the problem in the first place. Apologizing to a girlfriend while she’s trying to climb onto her balcony is risky business, especially after the fluid needed to gain courage for the company.

10. Maintain personal ethical and moral standards and, when wrong, quickly acknowledge them and correct any wrong.

Most Recovering Fans have to schedule this as a class in the curriculum. Alumni frequently have to re-enroll in this course and all tend to seek help from others. Others tend to have better observation skills towards our own actions. If not carefully selected, these “others” can be really honest and cause you to do real work. So it’s important to pick a recovering fan who is crazier than you are.

11. Meditate to improve the relationship with the Supreme Being, not asking for results, but for guidance.

In fact, most prayer times on campus occur at the football stadium or near Sorority Row. They are inspired pleas and passionate prayers and, for better or worse, they are at least honest. Don’t worry about this one. Academics are wrong when they say that religion is gone from our college campuses. Prayer is an active part of college life.

12. Keep your newfound peace close to your active, conscious self.

By the time most Over Dedicated fans get to this part, it’s Friday night and the gang heads to the local pub to mentally prepare for tomorrow’s game. By Friday night, it is difficult to raise moral standards to a higher consciousness, so the standard practice is to lower consciousness to meet your current active self. This can be done at the Stadium Inn.

So have fun on Saturday, but don’t do anything that will cause morale stress or anxiety if your team falls short. And if Michigan falters at home again, send a care package.