Are you ready to play a little word association game with me? OK, here it is: What comes to mind when you hear the word “hospitality”? Maybe you think about the friends you will invite on Friday night for a glass of wine and a game of cards. Or maybe you feel a little panicked at the thought of the pile of mail on your desk, the dust on your TV, the crumbs under your kitchen table, or the unpainted wall in your dining room. I bet most women, especially those of us with children, fall into the second group. I know I did until I learned what true hospitality is.

Ever since I can remember, I love meeting friends, especially if they come to my house. By the time I was in my twenties, I would host elaborate dinner parties for eight people, complete with china, silver, and linen and, of course, gourmet dishes that I cooked myself. On top of those details, I would add the stress of presenting a spotless apartment or house, as if that were a normal thing for us! Say oh! What a joke!

When two and then three children arrived, I relaxed my standards a bit (allowing the children to use unbreakable plates), but I still freaked out a little because of the expectations it set for my home and myself. At that time I belonged to a small group of women that I loved, in part because it was made up of Christian women in all different stages of life. We learned a lot from each other because of our differences and were able to support each other because of our similarities.

One week the topic of hospitality came up and I thought, “Great, I can share my recipe for homemade glass cleaner that makes those mirrors sparkle!” But our discussion that day is what changed my attitude. What we talked about was true hospitality and the fact that it has very little to do with the hostess, the location or the food. That’s how it is. Hospitality is about how comfortable a guest feels in your home and not about the hostess at all! wow! What a lightning moment for me!

Here are some definitions of hospitality: cordial and generous reception or disposition towards guests; an instance of cordial and generous treatment to the guests; kindness in welcoming guests or strangers. Do you notice the theme there? You have it, every sentence mentions the guests, and none mentions the host or hostess, very interesting!

So how do you measure up? It’s not your house, you have a hostess. Do you immediately apologize for the dust when someone walks by? Do you go out to greet them so they don’t see the socks on the floor? Or maybe you turn on the kettle, push the mail to the side of the table, and tell your friend how happy you are to see him. I congratulate you if that last sentence describes you; I’m close too!

I must be honest here and tell you that I did not change my ways overnight, but I have been relaxing my standards. Dusting and vacuuming are still necessities when guests come over, but my question to myself is “is it good enough?” instead of “is it perfect?” My focus has been more on how comfortable and happy my friends are and less on whether the lamps are dusty.

I’m also happy to report that when a friend shows up unexpectedly, I no longer apologize for whatever mess is present at the time. My first words are always welcome and pleasure to see you no matter what my house looks like; after all, they probably came to visit me, not my house!

To know if the change in my attitude has affected my guests, I think the only way to know is by what they say. Before, when people left, they would thank me and comment on the wonderful food or beautiful decor, but now the comments I hear the most are about how cozy my home feels and how relaxed and comfortable our time together was. That’s definite progress and I have to admit, it’s also very rewarding!

So the next time you have expected (or unexpected) guests in your home, remember that hospitality isn’t about you or your home at all, it’s about how welcome your friends feel and the memories you’re creating together.