Few things are as painful and frustrating as when your husband tells you, very generally, that he no longer wants to get married. I often get emails from wives who have just been thrown into this situation and are frustrated, scared, and confused. Often times, the husband does not give details that would help him answer or formulate a plan. Suddenly, he will say something like “I just don’t want to get married anymore. I’m not happy and I just want to start over.” Well where does that leave you?
I know things seem hopeless right now, but it’s important to understand that you have no idea what tomorrow will bring. You know that at this particular moment, he is not satisfied with the marriage. That’s clear. But don’t give up before you’ve started fighting for your marriage if you want to save it. Not wanting to get married doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you anymore or that you can’t reconnect. It often takes patience, a unique plan, and determination, but I am living proof that it can be done.
Why Men Often Decide They No Longer Want To Get Married:Like I said, I have a lot of women on my site. But sometimes I get some men asking me for advice on how to end their marriages, how to break the news to their wives, or how to get their wives to agree to divorce. I often dialogue with these guys about the nitty-gritty of the situation and what’s behind their wishes. I’m obviously not their wife so they have no reason to lie to me or sugarcoat things.
What I am often told is that the marriage has deteriorated to a point where it doesn’t look or feel like it used to. Whereas before it felt comfortable, enriching and fun, the words they use to describe it are now “suffocating, restrictive and depressing.”
But this is the interesting thing. Very few of them even mention their wives or their feelings for her in these descriptions. They rarely say “I’m not in love with my wife anymore” or “I don’t find her attractive anymore.” This is what most wives assume to be true, but I find that not the reality. Most of the time, what is really happening is that the marriage now feels quite unsatisfying, but her feelings for you are often separated. They feel stagnant. They feel unappreciated. They feel that there is a type of existence next to you, but that, unfortunately, they are not connected with you.
And what really comes down to 98% of the time is that they think it’s not going to change. They are at a point where they feel that everything has been tried, that everything has been said, that you have given your best, but that, in the end, it has not been enough. This is the most important thing to understand because it is the only thing you have to overcome. You have to change this fundamental belief and show them that, in fact, things can change for the better.
Slowly changing your perception: I know when you read this, you will think it is an oversimplification, but it is the truth as I know it to be. If you want to save your marriage, you must change your perception of it first and foremost. I have seen how seemingly dead marriages were saved because the wife was able to change her husband’s perception of being married from negative to positive. Yes, this seems very simple, but in truth it is extremely multifaceted and many small victories must be won until you are successful with this.
However, most people make this process more complicated than necessary. They will harass their husbands about the exact reason why they don’t want to get married. They will defy whatever reason he gives, beg the husband to “work” on things, declare the husband wrong, and do many other things that will only bring more negative perceptions.
These actions very often will only do more damage to your marriage. Do not give yourself more things to overcome. Don’t do extra work yourself. Reduce this to the simplest step you can and focus on just that. At this point, that should change your husband’s perception of marriage.
This can take time. But, take things little by little. You can start by making a list of what your husband loved about you. Then brainstorm the ways you used to have fun together. Because I can guarantee you that the adjectives you have on your list, like “fun loving, sense of humor, quiet”, and so on. They are not the things I would use to describe you now. Think of the things that used to define your marriage, such as “intimate, loving, fun, fulfilling,” and so on. and ask yourself what words describe your marriage now. I can tell you the words most husbands say to me: “suffocating, stressful, combative.” You must change this.
Go back to your list and brainstorm how to go back and show the most important qualities. These are the things he will use to turn his attention to you. Now, I know you’re thinking “well, isn’t it too late? He already wants out. He’s probably going to leave.” It may and may not. But it probably won’t fall off the face of the earth. You’ll still have to see and interact with it, and when you do, you need to make each one count. You need to use the qualities that you already know he loves about you. This does not include participating, pleading, or arguing.
Once you do this, he will eventually become more receptive to you. Once that happens, then they focus on creating positive experiences together so that they have fun and that they both want to repeat the process. Little by little, over time, he begins to see that being married to you is no longer a negative state. It is one that puts a smile on your face and one in which you can have fun and feel satisfied.
Always go slowly. Never push or make demands. Don’t make this process too difficult or exhausting for either of you. You want to be calm, fun, and positive. I know it’s too much to ask when your marriage is at stake. But, it is really the best way to change his perceptions so that with you he is somewhere he wants to stay.