My husband cheated and left our family. He now he wants us back. Why?

It’s common for me to hear from wives and lovers who just don’t understand why a man who was actively involved in an affair (for which he was willing to risk everything) would suddenly drastically change his behavior and decide he now wants his family back.

A common mistress comment goes something like this: “This man told me that no woman had ever made him feel the way I did. He said that eventually, when he could break free, he couldn’t wait to be with me forever. When his wife found out adventure, I honestly thought this was the beginning of our life together. But now, he suddenly decided that he can’t be with me because he wants his family back. Well, he should have known how committed he was to his family before he got involved with someone else. Why is he doing this?”

A common comment for a wife is something like, “When my husband told me about the affair, he actually said that he was in love with the other woman and that, as much as it pained him to say it, our marriage was over.” She really didn’t want to accept this, but it was obvious that she didn’t have much of a choice. Heartbroken, I began the divorce process and tried to start over. Now, two months later, she has decided that she wants her family back. and he supposedly he has banished this woman from her life. Why would I do this? Why do men suddenly want to get back the family they don’t even deserve?

In truth, both women had a right to ask these questions. It can seem very unfair for a man to suddenly want to change his mind, especially when you feel that the outcome of your own life will be influenced by the decisions he makes. You may feel that you are not the decision maker or decision maker in your own life and that can be quite frustrating. Below, I’ll try to explain some common reasons why cheating husbands ultimately decide they want their families back.

When men decide to pursue a relationship outside of their family, they don’t realize what it will feel like once they are without that same family: Men often get so caught up in the excitement and newness of the affair that they believe this whole relationship has added a new dimension or richness to their life that they don’t want to do without. So, they decide to search for this other life or this other woman with a seemingly unshakable determination. At that point, they think they understand the sacrifices that are going to be involved. But often, they have no idea how they will really feel once they hurt and then leave their families. The reality and pain of those actions can take them by surprise.

They don’t anticipate how much they will miss being a daily part of their children’s lives or how much pain they will feel knowing how they have disrupted those very lives. Some men find that they even miss wives they were sure they had long left behind. In short, they miss being part of a close-knit family and the thrill of an adventure is beyond comparison. It is often at this point that men realize that the affair was not even the product of reality. Once the husband and the other woman have to start dealing with everyday things like laundry, dinner, work, etc., then the relationship becomes more social and less exciting. It is often at this point that the husband realizes that he misjudged his feelings for everyone involved. Quite often, when the affair isn’t perfect in every way, a man starts thinking things like “Did I give up my family for this? What was I thinking? How could I have been so stupid?”

Both women in this scenario are often quite clear on the fact that the man’s behavior has put their family in danger, and many will tell you that because of his actions, he doesn’t deserve his family. Believe it or not, men would often agree with this assessment. Many will tell him that they know they don’t deserve his family, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting their family back in the same way. They will also often tell you that they are willing to do almost anything for one more chance. Because once they have tasted life without their family, they are very afraid of losing them forever.

I often can’t tell women in this situation if they should allow this man back into their lives. That is a decision that only they can make. However, I can tell you that many men believe they are being sincere when they decide they want their families back. And many fear that it is too late to make this a reality. Yes, it would have been nice if they had realized this before cheating. But unfortunately, it often takes the threat of losing something to fully appreciate it. I have met men who swear never to endanger their families again and they have more than kept that promise. They have also become faithful and grateful husbands. However, each one is different. And extensive healing is often needed for this to become a reality.

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