Do you remember the first Matrix movie, where Neo meets the spoon-bending guy in the oracle’s waiting room? The boy teaches Neo the secret – There is no spoon. It is the same with marriage; there are no walls. If marriage is a prison, it’s all in your head. You are free to do what you want. In fact. You see, the confinement of the marriage is fictional. It is made up of barriers that disappear once you identify them. They are called expectations.
Expectations can build strong prisons that will suck the will to live out of you. I eat? Confining him to a life where he spends his time trying to do the “right” thing instead of living up to his potential or pursuing his dreams.
And expectations attack from all sides, from your family, from his family, from your wife and even from yourself. Each and everyone has an opinion or notion on how married life should be. You need to behave in a certain way and stay away from certain behaviors. These restrictions are cruel, but we accept them. Sometimes we call it tradition.
WELL. Enough of beating around the bush. Here is my list of the ten best expectations:
1. You must feel love for your wife at any time.
This is a romantic ideal that is rooted in fiction, not life. It is not possible to feel love at all times. Also, love is best shown in action. You tell her you love her by staying, taking an interest in her, doing things together, with romantic gestures, etc.
2. Your love for her should make you spend less time with your friends.
I don’t know where this is coming from, but it is a relationship killer. A man needs his friends.
3. They should be soul mates, telling each other everything.
This is what many women hope for, but only a few achieve. But it is not important. You don’t have to be soul mates to have a great marriage. The important thing is to take care of each other, enough to stay that way for the long haul.
4. Your love for her should make you never want to look at another woman.
Impossible. Men look at women. Period. But that does not mean that we would be led astray by some temptation.
5. You should be the handyman, she should be the doting mother.
If that’s what you want, then sure. Move along. But don’t arrange your marriage this way just because that’s the norm. There are many boys who stay at home with the children while the wife brings home the bacon.
6. You must have sex 3.4 times a week.
Or whatever the average is, right? Wrong. Having less sex does not make your marriage bad. Like more sex doesn’t necessarily make it better. The important thing is to have sex. good sex. As often as you both want.
7. You must buy or build an expensive house.
And balance on the brink of bankruptcy for years before you finally pay off the mortgage and can sell the house for a financially secure retirement. If you’d rather live in a trailer and be able to take a six-month sabbatical, why not?
8. You should have 2.6 children.
Have as many children as you want. If you want to raise a kindergarten, just do it. If you don’t want kids, that’s fine too. It is not the obligation of all people to reproduce.
9. You must get a practical and responsible family vehicle.
Like a minivan. Slow, safe and spacious. I had one and I loved it. But who says you should. If you’d rather keep that convertible and take your kids to school in a little red wagon, you’re the man!
10. They should grow old together.
Yes, this is what you promised. But calm down a bit. You cannot force a marriage to last. Also, on the last day you will not be judged for the duration of your marriage. Live your life. Love your wife. Have fun together and make plans for the future. Who knows? It could last until death do us part.
