Most of the correspondence I receive is from spouses (usually wives) who are dealing with their husbands’ infidelity. However, from time to time, I will hear from the spouse who was cheated on. A husband recently contacted me and asked for my help in working things out with his wife. He had cheated on him, he was desperately sorry and wanted to know how he could save his marriage and make his wife believe in him again.
He said in part, “My wife is absolutely furious with me. I’m afraid my one infidelity will ruin my marriage. She says she wants me to be ‘accountable’ for my actions, but I have no idea what she’s saying.” means by this. How can i be responsible? How can i fix this?
In the following article, I am going to offer some tips and guidelines on how to be accountable to your spouse when you are the one who cheated on them.
Responsibility after cheating: What does this really mean and how can it be achieved?: When your spouse tells you that they want you to be responsible for their infidelity, your reaction may be that it’s a vague, highly charged phrase that doesn’t really tell you anything about what you’re supposed to do or how you’re supposed to do it. you’re supposed to act.
And, you would have a valid point. Most of the time, the faithful spouse has a hard time putting into words what he wants and needs from you. They are reeling and worried about your perception of them, so they will often hold their cards firmly against their chest in a kind of test to see how you will respond.
Generally speaking though, if they ask for accountability, what they really mean is that they want you to show some remorse and responsibility for your actions. They want to know that you understand that you and only you made a huge mistake for which you take full responsibility. They want you to take the initiative to fix things instead of waiting for them to take the initiative.
Basically, they want you to jump in and take charge of doing things right. They want your actions to show them that you still love them enough and value the relationship enough to take immediate and quick action. This means immediately stopping your contact with the other person. It often means investigating to find out why you cheated and then fixing any issues.
Sometimes it may mean going to therapy or working closely with your spouse to restore trust and closeness in your relationship. (It doesn’t mean pressuring your spouse to forgive you or to move on before he or she is ready to do so.) Your job at this point is to show her that you are deeply sorry, that you are willing and able to rehabilitate the marriage and the situation, and that if you allow her to do these things, you can expect a better and stronger marriage instead of just more than you know. same.
Sometimes when your spouse calls you to account, what they really mean is that they want guarantees. I can tell you that it’s no fun feeling vulnerable or wondering if your spouse is cheating on you or is cheating on you again. To that end, it will often help his cause a great deal if you go out of your way to include your spouse in his life and show him that he has nothing to hide and, in fact, welcomes his control and control. Do it. it makes them feel safer.
This may mean that, at least for a while, it might be in your best interest to offer up your cell phone records, your whereabouts, or access to your email. Your spouse may not even want these things, but he says a lot about you if you’re an open book who’s perfectly willing to provide any proof he needs that he can really trust you. It is important to have a little patience with them and understand that you are giving them a very concrete reason to doubt or distrust you.
It also usually helps you if you are very liberal with affection and guarantees. Your spouse will surely wonder if she still finds you attractive and desirable since she betrayed you. Even if they resist this, it’s important to let them know how important their presence is to you. I understand that it may seem like you’re the one making all the compromises or doing all the work, but usually it’s your job to provide your spouse with what they need, especially in the beginning, since it’s your actions that made all of this necessary.
Honestly, often when your spouse asks you to account for your infidelity, this is exactly what they mean. They want to know that you understand that fixing this and restoring their trust is your responsibility since you set this whole thing up. They don’t want you to blame them, minimize your actions, wait for them to act, or try to sweep this under the rug. They want to know that they are important enough to you that you are willing to stick with it and do the work necessary to fix this.
