How can someone cope with the death of more than one family member when those deaths occur in a short period of time? What happens to the person who is grieving the death of a loved one, then loses a job and has to move out of their house or apartment due to financial conditions? Multiple losses happen more often than most people realize and can complicate the grieving process.
To begin with, it is important to recognize that we undergo many changes in life in addition to the death of a loved one. The breakdown of a close relationship, divorce, incarceration, geographic relocation, children leaving for college, destructive fires, changes in the workplace, or the loss of family heirlooms can all cause a strong grief reaction. In most cases, these losses can bring a cascade of emotional responses as strong as those associated with the death of a loved one.
How can we cope with these massive changes or help someone who is experiencing more than one of these losses? Consider the following.
1. Recognize that people with multiple losses will generally need much more time to sort out their feelings and deal with their losses. Often times, the intensity of the pain will be stronger and the griever will need help prioritizing their needs as they deal with each loss, one at a time.
2. Now more than ever, the person facing multiple losses needs trusted bereavement partners who listen to the pain that is being experienced and expressed. It takes a lot of commitment from caregivers who will not reduce their contact with the bereaved over time or make comparisons of one bereaved with another. Allowing grief to run its course in the circumstances of multiple loss is a huge commitment for the caregiver.
3. If you are suffering multiple losses, be patient with yourself. You cannot expect quick resolution of all changes that need to be addressed. There will be some moments of trial and error and you will have to sit back and try another avenue of approach, when a plan does not work. Do not rush. Easier said than done, of course, when you feel pain. But that is why you need people who can be close to pain.
4. More than ever, it is essential to take care of yourself. Personal care is a top priority, as the energy losses from multiple losses are extremely high. Schedule a daily rest period, preferably in nature, where birds, trees, water, and other wildlife can remind you of the importance of connections and the peace that will replenish your mind and body. And above all, walk, walk, walk.
5. Never forget: you are not being punished. Don’t fall into thinking traps like “I’m getting what I deserve” or “This is what happens when you don’t do the right thing.” Such negative thinking only increases unnecessary suffering and distracts from facing the new life that multiple losses dictate. Remember: that kind of thinking has a huge impact on your physical self, as well as your emotional well-being.
6. Repeat to yourself that you will overcome this dark night of the soul. It’s hell, and very painful, but you are a survivor who will use the support and insight of others to adjust and start over. You are normal even though everything feels so abnormal. There is nothing wrong with being overwhelmed. Anyone would be. Keep preparing to persevere; it will make a big difference.
7. Feelings and thoughts change, and in the long run, new ones will appear in your mind and body. Look for structures of ongoing support. They could be exceptional friends, a grief support group (many members are dealing with multiple losses), a clergyman, or a professional grief counselor. The information you need to deal with your particular circumstances is readily available. Half the battle is finding people who can provide an idea or two that you haven’t heard yet.
8. Also, even though you are inundated with pain and anxiety, be sure to listen to the best source of all: your own wisdom. You have it inside right now to know what to do. You are much more capable than you think.
When you are alone at night, ask yourself (or God, your Higher Power, even your deceased loved one) for ideas for dealing with a particular problem. Then listen carefully to the thoughts or images that come to mind. You inherently know what is needed better than anyone. The trick is to tap into your inner wisdom with confidence.
In short, many people suffer multiple losses and the resulting grief overload. Although multiple losses tend to exacerbate the length and intensity of the grieving process, the starting point is to analyze and prioritize where to begin to cope with so many changes (both internal and external).
It is excruciating and painful work, but success in adapting to multiple changes will come gradually. Keep your self-talk positive (we’re often our own worst enemy), allow for a relapse or two, but know that you can survive these massive changes and pass your demanding test.
